Train Wreck

I've got to get out of this train wreck I call my life. whatever I do, it just seems to spin faster and faster out of control. It's like a recurring nightmare. It never ceases. And the worse part is that it's my life. It's not a dream, it's not a fantasy...it's my reality.

I need peace, I need solace, I need happiness.

I NEED to let go. I also need help letting go. It's not as simple as people try to make it seem. When you lose yourself and what is key to your existence you literally want to jump off a bridge and start over again. But then there's the question of the existence of reincarnation/the afterlife. So that's why you hang on. That's why you hope the next day, the next hour, the next minute will get better. And then it doesn't.

I really don't want to be given much. Just a chance.

Was I right?

Things have changed so much since I've last written anything. I feel like for the most part I've come to some very important realizations. Some for the better and some for the worse. Through it all, though, I've felt though like I've grown. I had to. I moved from what's familiar to me (my friends and home of three years; NJ) to uncharted waters...Florida and a new job. Although Florida and the new job are mutually great for me, among other things, they've had a definite effect on my personal life...my love life.

For so long I wanted a perfect life. A career that allowed me to go places and do things only some people dream of. Along with that I wanted a love that transcended all. Because let's face it...without love it's all pointless to have. You need love. The love I wanted/want would take all my worries away and make me feel whole. I almost had it twice in my life and apparently it still wasn't enough to make it all complete. There's always something still something missing. I could have just a little love and be miserable and have a lot of it and the same is true. It's not that being "in love" doesn't matter to me, it's just that it's foreign to me. It's true form eludes me. It's a concept, yet a reality...a reality that I know the concept of but can't seem to make materialize. It is one that has to be reciprocated. It is one that has to be mutually felt. It is one that has to matter above all else. Maybe I'm just not ready for it? Or is it that I haven't found what I seek?

The only conclusion I can come to is that I'm an enigma. Hard to figure out, but thought to be simple...in my own mind at least. Or am I really just broken? Am I capable of being completely Happy? I dunno. Maybe I just haven't met my "soul" mate. At any rate I think for the moment though I just need to concentrate on myself, as selfish as that may sound and figure out what I really want before involving anyone else in the tangled web of Fred.

Mediocre Castoffs

So I'm sure this has been discussed before, although maybe not in an offical posting or conversation, but let me ask it anyway. I've been noticing lately that every interacial relationship that I see has an attractivity imbalance. I seem to always see hot black guys with not so hot white guys. Why is this? Why do the more attractive black men get stuck, if you will, with the "mediocre castoffs"?All the many reasons I've been given are unacceptable and superficial.Anyone care to shed some light or share your opinion?

So Yeah

So yeah....I'm bored. With what...you can figure out for yourself. But yeah...i'm bored. Definitely in need of something to re-invigorate me, make me smile, make me happy, make me...un-bored.

I need a purpose. No more suppose this or suppose that. I need action, direction, passion, fire and desire. Something that makes me want to get up in the morning.

So yeah...I'm bored and need a purpose. I want what I want, and I want what I deserve. What that is, well that remains to be seen. Hopefully it will present itself soon. Soon I hope rather than later.

So yeah...I'm bored, need a purpose and am hopeful...for now

Procrastination

Procrastination is like Masturbation...You're only fucking yourself!

Get off your ass and live life the way is was meant to be lived; richly and full of life experiences.

Stop sweating the small stuff and have a good time doing what YOU want to do! If you don't miss your time to yourself now, you'll surely miss it when you can't have it anymore.

Toys R Us Kids

So I never got the chance to be a Toys R Us kid. My friends seem to think that I didn't need to be because all of my experiences have been more "substantial" than most any of theirs. "Quality is better than Quantity" they say. I see their point, but at the same time, doesn't everyone deserve the chance to be a toys r us kid if they want to be? And If we're talking quality...quality typically lasts doesn't it?

I'm still longing for just a chance...to be seen for who I really am and who I'm going to stay. I no longer have the choice which everyone else thinks I have.

Victims

Victims....Why does everybody always have to play the goddamned victim?

People may think I'm being harsh, but to tell you the truth, I'm just sick and fucking tired of the bullshit. It's old and monotnous and frankly I just don't give a damn anymore. I'm tired of coddling, I'm tired of giving advice that is not heeded, I'm tired of people saying they're going to do something with me when they know damned well they have no intentions of keeping up their side of the bargain. I'm sick of hearing "Oh, sorry I got busy. I have tons of stuff to do."

When are people going to realize that the world doesn't revolve around them? When are people going to finally give back what they get? When are people going to start living for themselves and not others? (maybe I should take my own advice on this question). And most importantly when will I get what everyone thinks I deserve? This goes for EVERYONE!

I've always had this storybook idea of what my life should be like. Who I would grow old with, the types of friends I'd have, the places I'd live, the kids I'd possibly have...you know, the perfect life. Well, at least somewhat perfect. We all have obstacles that stand in our way, but Jesus...is this a fucking minefield. Everytime I turn around something dumb happens that upsets the balance of life. Certain things should JUST WORK and lately things just haven't been working well.

Are relationships and friendships supposed to be this fucking hard. Why do I feel like I'm settling? Am I? Are people completely oblivious to what I see as obvious? Why can't you all just get it?

I'm not that complex. Making me happy is quite simple once I let you in the door. Just don't fuck it up!

The experiences I've had have been in a word, average or slightly below when you add them all up. And I believe that they have led to my current state of deficient self-worth and unhappiness. We all watch too much tv and think that what we see will come true for us. Maybe we're all deluding ourselves. Maybe no one is really ever truly happy. Maybe jamming the square peg into the circular hole is what we're supposed to do to compromise. If it is, someone is playing a horrible trick on us and it's not funny or fair.

My friends tell me that I have to do what's right for me, but I don't know what that is anymore.When I'm alone, I'm miserable. When I'm not, I'm slightly less miserable and in a constant "on" position. I want to be happy, but I don't know how anymore. Am I broken?

I mean look at this...Valentines Day is tomorrow/today, and I'm not even happy about it. I mean I should feel...something. Or am I just that jaded and cynical?

Accessories

I have created another "haggish" female category who happens to have gay male friends. These women are beautiful and uncharacteristic of the typical hag.

Their lives don't revolve around trying to "turn" a gay man to be their love slave. These specimen are refered to as "Accessories". These women just happen to complement the gay man like a great outfit and are in some ways like eye candy.

This is a symbiotic relationship in that the "accessory" gains access and friendship with hot gay men and receives protection from us from unnecessary attention from idiotic straight men they want nothing to do with!

Sabotage

So it's 1:03 am in Jersey and I just got home. I've been out all day and out of contact with a lot of people who care about me. I called in sick today and took the day for myself. I needed some me time and I wanted to selfishly do anything I wanted. I dunno if I feel guilt or just have the feeling of wanting to be free without answering to anything or anyone, but I realized that today I hurt someone. It was unintentional and had no malicious agenda behind it. I simply just did not check in because I was too busy taking care of my needs and ignoring all else. I know this was partly wrong because of how this person cares and is concerned of my well being, but today I didn't want them to worry. I wanted to be carefree. I wanted them to be carefree. Selfish I know, but it's what I felt. I'm sorry for how the situation unfolded.

Sometimes I just feel like they forsake all just to make me happy, and frankly this scares me a bit because I don't think they see the danger in this. I don't need that type of sacrifice and profession of selflessness displayed for me. I get it and yes I sincerely appreciate it, but it makes me feel weird and in a position of having too much power over the relationship. I want it to be equal. I want each to feel like they are on the same page and secure in what they have and what they will achieve. Right now I sense an insecurity on both sides. For me it's feeling like I'm not living up to what I should be. The feeling of being calous and unfeeling. That's not me. And I feel like I'm not having the opportunity to express who I am and how I feel about this person. I feels like I don't get the chance to express it because they are constantly doing it enough for the both of us.

I am a man of independence with a need to have balance. Too much independence can be detrimental as well as too much interdependence. I don't know how I can put this more clearly, but I've tried. I feel like...well I don't actually have a word or phrase of what I feel but it's followed by tension and regret of how I handle certain situations. I profess communication but in some cases I just can't communicate the feeling because I have no words for it. I can't express it and I just need time to hash it out and either get over it or accept it. Lately I've done the later. I realize my patience has been wearing thin lately and I fly off the handle sometimes, and it's because I can't express the feelings that I can actually express any more clearly, and I get frustrated.

I think I'm a fairly simple guy with simple needs that comes off as complex. Sometimes I expect people to just read my mind and do what I think is right. This is wrong I realize, but what do I do to change this. It's just something that I believe in. Family, friends and mates should just be intuitive an in sync with their loved ones feelings and body language. It shouldn't be a struggle to understand and just be happy.

Life is about compromise and compatibility. If we don't understand and practice both...will we ever really be happy?

What They Mean to Me

All the songs/videos that I've put up on MySpace have special meaning to me. They all point at some facet of my personality and what I may be feeling at any particular moment. This weeks selection consists of :

1. Mike Jones - Back Then;
2. Madonna - Frozen;
3. Juelz Santana - There It Go (The Whistle Song);
4. Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes; and
5. Marques Houston - Naked

Back Then by Mike Jones illustrates how most of my adolescent life went. It sometimes spills over into the present when it comes to going out with my friends and such to clubs/bars, parties and what not. I've always had this feeling that I was missing something that would make people want to approach me. To this day I still haven't completely figured it out. I mean i believe I have all the tools and qualities that one looks for in a mate. Maybe my perception is clouded? I dunno.
Madonna's Frozen is how I feel more often than not. I feel like I'm stuck and virtually in the middle of nowhere. If you'd ask my friends they'd tell you that I'm a pretty socialble person with lots going for myself. I look at myself and realize that none of the superficial stuff matters to me much. My one true goal is to be completely happy without any major life changing worries. This includes having the perfect mate, the perfect house, career, and family. I'm probably chasing a dream but why should I stop?

There It Go, from Juelz Santana, is my "hey boy come over here, I wanna talk to you song." LOL. That's pretty much it for that one.

Behind These Hazel Eyes reflects how I was hurt and still carry around a lot of that pain but not everyone sees it. It manifests itself (the feelings of regret and inadequacy) sometimes in my misplaced anger or my unexplained moods. I'm really working on overcoming these feelings and I realize it's a process, but sometimes none of that matters to me. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time. Other days I wish I could just make everyone do what I want them to do. But more so lately, I've been trying to hide it and make other parts of my life better with certain sacrifices and compromises. I know this isn't a permanent fix for my issues, but it'll have to do for now. Otherwise I'll be completely miserable. Glass half full right?

Naked. Well...it's how my emotions are sometimes; naked. I had very little insulation after people said or did things to hurt me. Before I knew what love was I was one tough S.O.B. I didn't care about anyone but myself. After I had my first taste of those feelings, I needed them to feel complete and would do anything to have them and keep them. After that phase of feeling lost without love and companionship, I turned super cynical. I had theories on how everyone was full of shit. Most of which still holds true.

So I went from raw naked emotions to walled up frustration. I'm just now beginning to break some of those barriers down again...but not completely. I don't want to be hurt that bad again. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. it's true though. You only feel that one true love once.

Fuck You...Pay Me!

I can't believe this shit....I didn't think the holidays could get any worse.

Get this shit. My ex-roommate moved out in mid november knowing full well that he had to pay his last half of the rent to the landlord. Tim was a pretty good guy about money and responsibility so I figured everything would be cool. We pretty much split amicably and haven't had contact since.

This is where it gets crazy...I originally had the apartment and had put up the deposit money for it. He came along and gave me a deposit for the room I let out to him. Mind you...the original deposit is mine. I get my deposit back in the mail today and guess what, it's missing like 800 bucks. All I'm seeing now is red because 1st of all he lied to me. 2nd of all the landlord didnt even respond when I asked them about this specific subject of rent being paid. 3rd he didnt pay his half of the utilities when he left and 4th he stole some of my shit when he left. So the deposit that he did give me was supposed to go to his non-payment of the utilities and crap he stole. I mean it was little shit like spices and kitchen utentsils and other miscellaneous stuff around the apartment but it was still MINE!

I tried to be nice, and I was a good roommate, but wow...this guy has balls. I mean this was the icing on the cake. What a great way to start off 2006!

I'm going to stop writing now before I write something I regret.

2006

Maybe 06' will be better....

It seems like forever since I've had a chance to sit down and write. I've actually found in recent weeks that writing about myself and reading more lately, have become my only forms of true solace. I appreciate my social life and what it offers, but lately I've felt the need to get back to what is core to me...ME. I've forgotten/forsaken some of the things that I used to enjoy, sometimes at a moments notice.

Being in a relationship is like no other feeling or experience in the world, but it can also be draining if the balance is off. Over the past month or so things have really been stressful. Juggling my relationship, planning a holiday party, having my parents in town and stayin with me for Christmas weekend, going upstate for an ill fated ski weekend and then finally entertaining a guest of Josh's at the apartment when we just got back from what was supposed to be a vacation. In a word I was just STRESSED and my patience wained.

I guess I have to learn to take things in stride, but at the same time something's gotta give. I can't do it all on my own. That may not always be the case, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

The highlights were that the holiday party and NYE weekend was a success. NYE I went out with a great group of people, had an awesome dinner and brought in the new year enjoying eachothers company and snapping lots of photos. I'll definitely remember 05' for all it's ups and downs.