the times, like the leaves, are a changing
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Friday, January 13, 2006

Sabotage

So it's 1:03 am in Jersey and I just got home. I've been out all day and out of contact with a lot of people who care about me. I called in sick today and took the day for myself. I needed some me time and I wanted to selfishly do anything I wanted. I dunno if I feel guilt or just have the feeling of wanting to be free without answering to anything or anyone, but I realized that today I hurt someone. It was unintentional and had no malicious agenda behind it. I simply just did not check in because I was too busy taking care of my needs and ignoring all else. I know this was partly wrong because of how this person cares and is concerned of my well being, but today I didn't want them to worry. I wanted to be carefree. I wanted them to be carefree. Selfish I know, but it's what I felt. I'm sorry for how the situation unfolded.

Sometimes I just feel like they forsake all just to make me happy, and frankly this scares me a bit because I don't think they see the danger in this. I don't need that type of sacrifice and profession of selflessness displayed for me. I get it and yes I sincerely appreciate it, but it makes me feel weird and in a position of having too much power over the relationship. I want it to be equal. I want each to feel like they are on the same page and secure in what they have and what they will achieve. Right now I sense an insecurity on both sides. For me it's feeling like I'm not living up to what I should be. The feeling of being calous and unfeeling. That's not me. And I feel like I'm not having the opportunity to express who I am and how I feel about this person. I feels like I don't get the chance to express it because they are constantly doing it enough for the both of us.

I am a man of independence with a need to have balance. Too much independence can be detrimental as well as too much interdependence. I don't know how I can put this more clearly, but I've tried. I feel like...well I don't actually have a word or phrase of what I feel but it's followed by tension and regret of how I handle certain situations. I profess communication but in some cases I just can't communicate the feeling because I have no words for it. I can't express it and I just need time to hash it out and either get over it or accept it. Lately I've done the later. I realize my patience has been wearing thin lately and I fly off the handle sometimes, and it's because I can't express the feelings that I can actually express any more clearly, and I get frustrated.

I think I'm a fairly simple guy with simple needs that comes off as complex. Sometimes I expect people to just read my mind and do what I think is right. This is wrong I realize, but what do I do to change this. It's just something that I believe in. Family, friends and mates should just be intuitive an in sync with their loved ones feelings and body language. It shouldn't be a struggle to understand and just be happy.

Life is about compromise and compatibility. If we don't understand and practice both...will we ever really be happy?

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