the times, like the leaves, are a changing
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Wednesday, January 11, 2006

What They Mean to Me

All the songs/videos that I've put up on MySpace have special meaning to me. They all point at some facet of my personality and what I may be feeling at any particular moment. This weeks selection consists of :


1. Mike Jones - Back Then;
2. Madonna - Frozen;
3. Juelz Santana - There It Go (The Whistle Song);
4. Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes; and
5. Marques Houston - Naked

Back Then by Mike Jones illustrates how most of my adolescent life went. It sometimes spills over into the present when it comes to going out with my friends and such to clubs/bars, parties and what not. I've always had this feeling that I was missing something that would make people want to approach me. To this day I still haven't completely figured it out. I mean i believe I have all the tools and qualities that one looks for in a mate. Maybe my perception is clouded? I dunno.
Madonna's Frozen is how I feel more often than not. I feel like I'm stuck and virtually in the middle of nowhere. If you'd ask my friends they'd tell you that I'm a pretty socialble person with lots going for myself. I look at myself and realize that none of the superficial stuff matters to me much. My one true goal is to be completely happy without any major life changing worries. This includes having the perfect mate, the perfect house, career, and family. I'm probably chasing a dream but why should I stop?

There It Go, from Juelz Santana, is my "hey boy come over here, I wanna talk to you song." LOL. That's pretty much it for that one.

Behind These Hazel Eyes reflects how I was hurt and still carry around a lot of that pain but not everyone sees it. It manifests itself (the feelings of regret and inadequacy) sometimes in my misplaced anger or my unexplained moods. I'm really working on overcoming these feelings and I realize it's a process, but sometimes none of that matters to me. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time. Other days I wish I could just make everyone do what I want them to do. But more so lately, I've been trying to hide it and make other parts of my life better with certain sacrifices and compromises. I know this isn't a permanent fix for my issues, but it'll have to do for now. Otherwise I'll be completely miserable. Glass half full right?

Naked. Well...it's how my emotions are sometimes; naked. I had very little insulation after people said or did things to hurt me. Before I knew what love was I was one tough S.O.B. I didn't care about anyone but myself. After I had my first taste of those feelings, I needed them to feel complete and would do anything to have them and keep them. After that phase of feeling lost without love and companionship, I turned super cynical. I had theories on how everyone was full of shit. Most of which still holds true.

So I went from raw naked emotions to walled up frustration. I'm just now beginning to break some of those barriers down again...but not completely. I don't want to be hurt that bad again. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. it's true though. You only feel that one true love once.

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