Train Wreck

I've got to get out of this train wreck I call my life. whatever I do, it just seems to spin faster and faster out of control. It's like a recurring nightmare. It never ceases. And the worse part is that it's my life. It's not a dream, it's not a fantasy...it's my reality.

I need peace, I need solace, I need happiness.

I NEED to let go. I also need help letting go. It's not as simple as people try to make it seem. When you lose yourself and what is key to your existence you literally want to jump off a bridge and start over again. But then there's the question of the existence of reincarnation/the afterlife. So that's why you hang on. That's why you hope the next day, the next hour, the next minute will get better. And then it doesn't.

I really don't want to be given much. Just a chance.

Was I right?

Things have changed so much since I've last written anything. I feel like for the most part I've come to some very important realizations. Some for the better and some for the worse. Through it all, though, I've felt though like I've grown. I had to. I moved from what's familiar to me (my friends and home of three years; NJ) to uncharted waters...Florida and a new job. Although Florida and the new job are mutually great for me, among other things, they've had a definite effect on my personal life...my love life.

For so long I wanted a perfect life. A career that allowed me to go places and do things only some people dream of. Along with that I wanted a love that transcended all. Because let's face it...without love it's all pointless to have. You need love. The love I wanted/want would take all my worries away and make me feel whole. I almost had it twice in my life and apparently it still wasn't enough to make it all complete. There's always something still something missing. I could have just a little love and be miserable and have a lot of it and the same is true. It's not that being "in love" doesn't matter to me, it's just that it's foreign to me. It's true form eludes me. It's a concept, yet a reality...a reality that I know the concept of but can't seem to make materialize. It is one that has to be reciprocated. It is one that has to be mutually felt. It is one that has to matter above all else. Maybe I'm just not ready for it? Or is it that I haven't found what I seek?

The only conclusion I can come to is that I'm an enigma. Hard to figure out, but thought to be simple...in my own mind at least. Or am I really just broken? Am I capable of being completely Happy? I dunno. Maybe I just haven't met my "soul" mate. At any rate I think for the moment though I just need to concentrate on myself, as selfish as that may sound and figure out what I really want before involving anyone else in the tangled web of Fred.