the times, like the leaves, are a changing
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Friday, January 13, 2006

Sabotage

So it's 1:03 am in Jersey and I just got home. I've been out all day and out of contact with a lot of people who care about me. I called in sick today and took the day for myself. I needed some me time and I wanted to selfishly do anything I wanted. I dunno if I feel guilt or just have the feeling of wanting to be free without answering to anything or anyone, but I realized that today I hurt someone. It was unintentional and had no malicious agenda behind it. I simply just did not check in because I was too busy taking care of my needs and ignoring all else. I know this was partly wrong because of how this person cares and is concerned of my well being, but today I didn't want them to worry. I wanted to be carefree. I wanted them to be carefree. Selfish I know, but it's what I felt. I'm sorry for how the situation unfolded.

Sometimes I just feel like they forsake all just to make me happy, and frankly this scares me a bit because I don't think they see the danger in this. I don't need that type of sacrifice and profession of selflessness displayed for me. I get it and yes I sincerely appreciate it, but it makes me feel weird and in a position of having too much power over the relationship. I want it to be equal. I want each to feel like they are on the same page and secure in what they have and what they will achieve. Right now I sense an insecurity on both sides. For me it's feeling like I'm not living up to what I should be. The feeling of being calous and unfeeling. That's not me. And I feel like I'm not having the opportunity to express who I am and how I feel about this person. I feels like I don't get the chance to express it because they are constantly doing it enough for the both of us.

I am a man of independence with a need to have balance. Too much independence can be detrimental as well as too much interdependence. I don't know how I can put this more clearly, but I've tried. I feel like...well I don't actually have a word or phrase of what I feel but it's followed by tension and regret of how I handle certain situations. I profess communication but in some cases I just can't communicate the feeling because I have no words for it. I can't express it and I just need time to hash it out and either get over it or accept it. Lately I've done the later. I realize my patience has been wearing thin lately and I fly off the handle sometimes, and it's because I can't express the feelings that I can actually express any more clearly, and I get frustrated.

I think I'm a fairly simple guy with simple needs that comes off as complex. Sometimes I expect people to just read my mind and do what I think is right. This is wrong I realize, but what do I do to change this. It's just something that I believe in. Family, friends and mates should just be intuitive an in sync with their loved ones feelings and body language. It shouldn't be a struggle to understand and just be happy.

Life is about compromise and compatibility. If we don't understand and practice both...will we ever really be happy?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

What They Mean to Me

All the songs/videos that I've put up on MySpace have special meaning to me. They all point at some facet of my personality and what I may be feeling at any particular moment. This weeks selection consists of :


1. Mike Jones - Back Then;
2. Madonna - Frozen;
3. Juelz Santana - There It Go (The Whistle Song);
4. Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes; and
5. Marques Houston - Naked

Back Then by Mike Jones illustrates how most of my adolescent life went. It sometimes spills over into the present when it comes to going out with my friends and such to clubs/bars, parties and what not. I've always had this feeling that I was missing something that would make people want to approach me. To this day I still haven't completely figured it out. I mean i believe I have all the tools and qualities that one looks for in a mate. Maybe my perception is clouded? I dunno.
Madonna's Frozen is how I feel more often than not. I feel like I'm stuck and virtually in the middle of nowhere. If you'd ask my friends they'd tell you that I'm a pretty socialble person with lots going for myself. I look at myself and realize that none of the superficial stuff matters to me much. My one true goal is to be completely happy without any major life changing worries. This includes having the perfect mate, the perfect house, career, and family. I'm probably chasing a dream but why should I stop?

There It Go, from Juelz Santana, is my "hey boy come over here, I wanna talk to you song." LOL. That's pretty much it for that one.

Behind These Hazel Eyes reflects how I was hurt and still carry around a lot of that pain but not everyone sees it. It manifests itself (the feelings of regret and inadequacy) sometimes in my misplaced anger or my unexplained moods. I'm really working on overcoming these feelings and I realize it's a process, but sometimes none of that matters to me. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time. Other days I wish I could just make everyone do what I want them to do. But more so lately, I've been trying to hide it and make other parts of my life better with certain sacrifices and compromises. I know this isn't a permanent fix for my issues, but it'll have to do for now. Otherwise I'll be completely miserable. Glass half full right?

Naked. Well...it's how my emotions are sometimes; naked. I had very little insulation after people said or did things to hurt me. Before I knew what love was I was one tough S.O.B. I didn't care about anyone but myself. After I had my first taste of those feelings, I needed them to feel complete and would do anything to have them and keep them. After that phase of feeling lost without love and companionship, I turned super cynical. I had theories on how everyone was full of shit. Most of which still holds true.

So I went from raw naked emotions to walled up frustration. I'm just now beginning to break some of those barriers down again...but not completely. I don't want to be hurt that bad again. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. it's true though. You only feel that one true love once.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

Fuck You...Pay Me!

I can't believe this shit....I didn't think the holidays could get any worse.

Get this shit. My ex-roommate moved out in mid november knowing full well that he had to pay his last half of the rent to the landlord. Tim was a pretty good guy about money and responsibility so I figured everything would be cool. We pretty much split amicably and haven't had contact since.

This is where it gets crazy...I originally had the apartment and had put up the deposit money for it. He came along and gave me a deposit for the room I let out to him. Mind you...the original deposit is mine. I get my deposit back in the mail today and guess what, it's missing like 800 bucks. All I'm seeing now is red because 1st of all he lied to me. 2nd of all the landlord didnt even respond when I asked them about this specific subject of rent being paid. 3rd he didnt pay his half of the utilities when he left and 4th he stole some of my shit when he left. So the deposit that he did give me was supposed to go to his non-payment of the utilities and crap he stole. I mean it was little shit like spices and kitchen utentsils and other miscellaneous stuff around the apartment but it was still MINE!

I tried to be nice, and I was a good roommate, but wow...this guy has balls. I mean this was the icing on the cake. What a great way to start off 2006!

I'm going to stop writing now before I write something I regret.

2006

Maybe 06' will be better....

It seems like forever since I've had a chance to sit down and write. I've actually found in recent weeks that writing about myself and reading more lately, have become my only forms of true solace. I appreciate my social life and what it offers, but lately I've felt the need to get back to what is core to me...ME. I've forgotten/forsaken some of the things that I used to enjoy, sometimes at a moments notice.

Being in a relationship is like no other feeling or experience in the world, but it can also be draining if the balance is off. Over the past month or so things have really been stressful. Juggling my relationship, planning a holiday party, having my parents in town and stayin with me for Christmas weekend, going upstate for an ill fated ski weekend and then finally entertaining a guest of Josh's at the apartment when we just got back from what was supposed to be a vacation. In a word I was just STRESSED and my patience wained.

I guess I have to learn to take things in stride, but at the same time something's gotta give. I can't do it all on my own. That may not always be the case, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

The highlights were that the holiday party and NYE weekend was a success. NYE I went out with a great group of people, had an awesome dinner and brought in the new year enjoying eachothers company and snapping lots of photos. I'll definitely remember 05' for all it's ups and downs.