the times, like the leaves, are a changing

Thursday, August 3, 2006

Was I right?

Things have changed so much since I've last written anything. I feel like for the most part I've come to some very important realizations. Some for the better and some for the worse. Through it all, though, I've felt though like I've grown. I had to. I moved from what's familiar to me (my friends and home of three years; NJ) to uncharted waters...Florida and a new job. Although Florida and the new job are mutually great for me, among other things, they've had a definite effect on my personal love life.

For so long I wanted a perfect life. A career that allowed me to go places and do things only some people dream of. Along with that I wanted a love that transcended all. Because let's face it...without love it's all pointless to have. You need love. The love I wanted/want would take all my worries away and make me feel whole. I almost had it twice in my life and apparently it still wasn't enough to make it all complete. There's always something still something missing. I could have just a little love and be miserable and have a lot of it and the same is true. It's not that being "in love" doesn't matter to me, it's just that it's foreign to me. It's true form eludes me. It's a concept, yet a reality...a reality that I know the concept of but can't seem to make materialize. It is one that has to be reciprocated. It is one that has to be mutually felt. It is one that has to matter above all else. Maybe I'm just not ready for it? Or is it that I haven't found what I seek?

The only conclusion I can come to is that I'm an enigma. Hard to figure out, but thought to be my own mind at least. Or am I really just broken? Am I capable of being completely Happy? I dunno. Maybe I just haven't met my "soul" mate. At any rate I think for the moment though I just need to concentrate on myself, as selfish as that may sound and figure out what I really want before involving anyone else in the tangled web of Fred.

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