the times, like the leaves, are a changing

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Victims....Why does everybody always have to play the goddamned victim?

People may think I'm being harsh, but to tell you the truth, I'm just sick and fucking tired of the bullshit. It's old and monotnous and frankly I just don't give a damn anymore. I'm tired of coddling, I'm tired of giving advice that is not heeded, I'm tired of people saying they're going to do something with me when they know damned well they have no intentions of keeping up their side of the bargain. I'm sick of hearing "Oh, sorry I got busy. I have tons of stuff to do."

When are people going to realize that the world doesn't revolve around them? When are people going to finally give back what they get? When are people going to start living for themselves and not others? (maybe I should take my own advice on this question). And most importantly when will I get what everyone thinks I deserve? This goes for EVERYONE!

I've always had this storybook idea of what my life should be like. Who I would grow old with, the types of friends I'd have, the places I'd live, the kids I'd possibly know, the perfect life. Well, at least somewhat perfect. We all have obstacles that stand in our way, but this a fucking minefield. Everytime I turn around something dumb happens that upsets the balance of life. Certain things should JUST WORK and lately things just haven't been working well.

Are relationships and friendships supposed to be this fucking hard. Why do I feel like I'm settling? Am I? Are people completely oblivious to what I see as obvious? Why can't you all just get it?

I'm not that complex. Making me happy is quite simple once I let you in the door. Just don't fuck it up!

The experiences I've had have been in a word, average or slightly below when you add them all up. And I believe that they have led to my current state of deficient self-worth and unhappiness. We all watch too much tv and think that what we see will come true for us. Maybe we're all deluding ourselves. Maybe no one is really ever truly happy. Maybe jamming the square peg into the circular hole is what we're supposed to do to compromise. If it is, someone is playing a horrible trick on us and it's not funny or fair.

My friends tell me that I have to do what's right for me, but I don't know what that is anymore.When I'm alone, I'm miserable. When I'm not, I'm slightly less miserable and in a constant "on" position. I want to be happy, but I don't know how anymore. Am I broken?

I mean look at this...Valentines Day is tomorrow/today, and I'm not even happy about it. I mean I should feel...something. Or am I just that jaded and cynical?

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