the times, like the leaves, are a changing
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Tuesday, December 27, 2005


So this past weekend was Christmas weekend and my parents were in town for the holidays. Most of the weekend was fantastic. We all got along and I was able to spend the holiday with my parents and Josh, which was something new for me. What was supposed to be a completely seamless and fun weekend for all, shortly became a huge ball of stress for me. To say it was overwelming and challenging would be a serious understatement.

Christmas Eve's Eve
Finally getting my parents out of Ohio for the holidays was a venture in itself and one should be commended for that, but to entertain and make sure everyone was comfortable and having fun took a lot of hardwork and patience. The day after they got here I took everyone to dinner and a show at the Jazz Standard. My dad is a huge jazz fan and i figured this would be a great christmas gift idea for him. I was right...he didn't stop talking about it for at least the next 3 hours. Needless to say we had a good time. It was the second night I had spent with Josh and my parents together and it went off without a hitch.

Christmas Eve: It's time for SHOPPING!
It was BITCH getting these lazy buggers out of bed. My dad is the slowest moving human being on the planet. We're all ready and where is this man? In the damn bathroom making us wait on him. And wait...before this, where was he when we were all ready and ready to go...effing around in the damn kitchen and taking forever. We get to the mall around 7:30am. Now last night I said I wanted to be out of the house by 6:30 so i could be there right before the mall opens so I could have time to prepare and get into shopping mode selecting the stores I wanted to hit first. Instead we got there late and people had already been picking through and streaming the stores.

First Strike!

I'll save the boring details of the day, because they're minimal, but I will say was a tactical, dodging and secretive day that ended somewhat ok. The rest of the day, post 6pm, was spent preparing Christmas dinner and wrapping gifts.

Christmas Day:
I awaken to a tree stuffed under with gifts all different shapes and sizes, some still unwrapped because of lack of time and exhaustions. After geeting up and around, we all go back to finishing up and prepping for dinner. Most of us were still tired and groggy but Josh seemed bursting with energy and Christmas spirit. This is one of the things I love about moderation.
We end up opening gifts around 12 or 1pm I think; late by most people's standards. Everyone mostly got what they wanted. The first drama started with my mom. She was, as usual, disappointed with what she got from my dad. This man NEVER listens to what she wants. For the last (at least) 15 years, all she's asked for is a decent sized diamond solitaire. Well needless to say, she didn't get it...AGAIN. She got a high tech toaster, some pearl earrings and some made for tv aromatherapy heat pads! SHIT she soooooo did not want or need. So her day was spoiled from the start until I gave her an iPod nano! The only other thing she ACTUALLY asked for. This made her happy. She wore and listened to it for the rest of the day. It made me happy to make her happy.

The second set of drama that ensued wasn't as bad as the first, but it did not feel that great. I went out the day before and shopped my ass of for Josh. My parents were easy to shop for, because I always have an idea of what they like and want, but Josh is atypical. He doesn't like what most people like. I bought him a ski coat so he could use it on the ski trip we're going on tomorrow...he didn't like it. He wanted another coat that wasn't as versatile and not as good looking (in my eyes). I also bought him a new wallet that I thought he was eyeing because he wanted another wallet like his but in black...he didn't like it at first. He said I wanted a brown one. I said you already have one...I thought this was the point of getting the black one. He got a sweater from my parents from Banana Republic. NICE sweater. Light grey half-zip wool and camel material. His response: it makes me look too white and I have enough of these kind of sweaters. I've only seen 2 of the sweaters he's talking about. Next gift was from Ruehl. I found these really great heavy weight hoodies and bought 2 of them. I thought it'd be cute for us to have them. Mine's grey and his is dark grey/black. It looks really good on him. This gift he actually adored. The next gift was a leather belt from A+F. He desparately needed this gift because I wanted mine back. LOL.

So out of 5 gifts, he liked 2. I was crushed. After trying really hard to figure out what he'd like the most, it felt like I didn't know him at all. Before Christmas he says to me "I pay attention to things all year to make sure I get what people want for gifts." This is pressure, however subtle you may want to catergorize it. Immediately I started watching to see what he liked or would like to have. I knew he wanted a digital camera and the coat but it was going to have to be one or the other based on budget so I picked the one I thought he'd get the most use out of. I guess I wasn't paying enough attention because he tells me "I wanted a toy(s) and not clothes".

Second Strike!

Day After Christmas: Off to the Mall!...Again
After hitting two malls early in the day, Josh and I came back to grab something to eat and chill out with my parents for a bit until we were ready to go out again. This time my dad wanted to tag along to pick up a few things. So while he was shopping, we did the same and went to return a few items and shop for Josh's digital camera. After that we then waited for him to finish. We got back to the apartment a little after 9pm and I started to clean up the kithcen and the rest of the apartment a little. At this point in the evening, I just wanted to be left alone because I had been going for like 54 hours...seriously! Josh comes into the kitchen and is being his usual lovey dovey self. It was ok, but I really wanted to be alone, and I made that clear. He finally let me be, but was then back after awhile and started in again. This time I was a little more aggressive and he got upset with me. I finally got my peace, but at the expense on making him feel bad. I'm sure everyone has gone through this...just wanting to be left alone? We wound up arguing. He just didn't get that you have to act a little bit more different around parents...least of all, my parents.

Third Strike!

They're just getting comfortable with me being gay and then to have Josh there reminding them of the fact and us arguing was just too much for me. I wanted him there but it felt like he was trying not to be left out the entire time and that wasn't my intention. I've always know that he likes a lot of attention, but at the holiday, it was multiplied and I had to juggle too many things at once and couldnt handle it anymore so I blew up. I had had enough and I was tired of coddling and catering to him. I was tired of cuddling, I was tired of kissing. I wasn't trying to be a dick, but I just wanted some damned time and space to decompress. He went to bed angry, but we wound up waking up O.K. I think? Haven't really had a chance to talk about things, but I have a feeling this is going to be a repeat discussion about me and my space. It's something that I treasure and need to survive and I don't know how to get him to understand that delicate balance between being together and being apart on a day to day basis.

Getting tired of this. I'll write/edit more later.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


So I've been thinking lately.

I went to dinner last night with Josh, Paul, Matt and Rich. I had just gotten off of work and headed directly over to meet up with them so we could go to shop a bit, have dinner and possibly see a movie (King Kong). Fighting traffic was a bitch as usual, but moreso yesterday because it was the first day of the NYC transit strike. Anyway I get over there and have a glass of wine to start the evening. We heded to the mall and looked around a bit and then headed to the Cheesecake Factory for a bite to eat. It was here that the thought popped into my life is boring and it feels squandered.

Let me explain...

For most of my life I've been pretty much sheltered from the world in regards to life experiences that mold people. I mean dont get me wrong my childhood wasn't terrible it was just extremely safe and straight laced for the most part. I never had any of the scandal (i.e. dating woes, breakup/makeups, an "experience" buddy, fights, sneaking out of the house, etc.). This sort of bothers me because I constantly hear how my friends had these experience and more and I feel cheated sometime. I feel like I haven't truly lived.

Even now, I'm seeing someone exclusively, have a great group of friends and family, have a pretty good career, have my own place, a nice car, a bit of money to spend and guess doesn't seem to be enough. Is that normal?

I love all that I have, maybe not as much as I could but nevertheless I do.

Most people would be happy in my situatuon but I feel like something is missing. It feel superficial. Maybe it has to deal with feelings of mediocrity, not being good enough for those things or people that I so dearly crave to have. Maybe it's insecurity or then again maybe it's too much security. Maybe it's just plain jealousy and regret. But what's there to regret? The opportunities were never present for me to "wild out" and be edgy and in the moment.

I think I grew up to fast and without all the fun of doing it and I can't get that back.



I've decided to be put up a new video or piece of music every week on my myspace page ( expressing my mood/feelings. I'm hoping it will help understand where I'm coming from and how my life is going. I also hope it's a way to get to know me and to see if we have some things in common.

This week the selection is: Linkin Park - Faint

Listen to the lyrics and let me know what you all think. Comments are more than welcome.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

The Fred Doctrines

Dear (blank) and (blank) you know who you are,

You are in direct violation of the friend/ex communication clause in your contract. To avoid further prosecution you shall cease and desist all violations post haste. Under penalty of the Fred Doctrines you will be extradited to my presence and be dealt with accordingly.
If you didn't understand the previous...lemme simplify.....Imma cut you if you dont delete and stop all contact with anyone reminding me of a VERY painful and deceptive time in my life.


Needless to say, I found out that 2 of my really good friends are still fraternizing with my ex, and yeah...I don't like it. That was a dark time in my life and to know that MY friends are still in contact and communicae with him really burns me up. I mean it was him who said that he wanted to move on with his life. So move on already. My friends are not part of your life. They don't even live near you.

I'm tring very hard to move on and get over that whole mess and it keeps popping up. I've moved the same.

Back off!

And to you two friends...get your priorities straight. It's called loyalty. I don't expect anything that I don't give myself.

Monday, December 19, 2005

The Particulars: the Holiday Party of 05'

So, the day began with running around picking up last minute ingredients and stuff for the Christmas Tree. We headed out to Fairway in the City at about 9am to get the standing rib roast for saturday evening's extravaganza. While there picked up the rest of the greens and cheeses for the event. Let me tell you...that place is awesome, but it's a damn madhouse during the holidays.

The checkout ladies were pleasant, but not just the regular polite hi, can i help you and have a nice holiday, but more of the sincere holiday spirit that we don't see that often anymore. It may sound silly, but it was quite refreshing to see that some people still know what Christmas is supposed to be about.

With Fairway done, we hopped in Rocco (yes I named my car!) and headed off to find the tree stand (got the tree the night before). On the way we ended up stopping at the New Milford Shop-Rite with two members of the girls softball team raising money for some cause. Can't really remember at the moment, but I gave them some change and went in to grab a few things that were forgotten.
After that we hit Perrone's Farm; one of the Bergen County's last remaining historical farms. You're all probably thinking, "how the hell does he know this?" aside: I did a comprehensive master plan for New Milford back in 03' and got to learn a lot of interesting historical and general property information. At any rate, we got the tree stand pretty quickly and were off again to look for a table cloth.

Homegoods on 17 in Paramus was the next stop. We came here for a table cloth but what did we wind up leaving with...a BEAUTIFUL round and heavy butcher's block and a knife sharpener. Side-point of this story...never send me into a discount store for things around the house and knick-knacks. I get distracted from the mission. I actually did look, briefly, for the table cloth but didn't find one I liked. Josh and I get to the cash wrap and of course he finds a knick in the butcher block's wood. Now I'm gonna tell was a small knick but it was an opening for him to grill the nice lady at the counter for a further discount. For most of you reading this you know I'm pretty easy going and for small things like this I figure the reason for it being in the store at all is because of this imperfection. Afterall it's a discount store right? Anyway I wanst going to be greedy and confrontational over something small. Don't get me wrong, the bigger stuff I'll argue to the end of the day, but this is his specialty so I went to get the car. Ten minutes later and a phone call to see what was going on, Josh emerges from the store with a grin on his face. Devishly he looks at me with that fiery hair and attitude to match and says something like "10% bitch! I could have gotten more but you were rushing me." At this point it's about 12:30pm and we need to get back to the apartment to start cooking.

Prep time is always a bitch and even worse when you have two huge egos in one small kichen cooking for a group of about 10-15 people. I'll leave the cursing and goings-on out here. I started with dressing the rib roast with the flavor rub while Josh started in on the cornbread for the duck stuffing. After that was done he started on the ill-fated cheesecake. (I told him not to fill the spring-form pan that high). After that fiasco, he started on the second cornbread for the oyster stuffing that never got made and i got started on seasoning and stuffing the two ducks. The salad was next and I left that to Josh. I started the crab dip but realized I was missing the horseradish. So I called my go-to boy Paul again. Needless to say the horseradish arrived just in time and all was well. He and Steph showed up with condiments and brownies in tow; the first guests of the evening.

It's 7:30 "get-pretty" time. I lock myself in the bathroom for like 45 minutes and put Paul on phone/directions duty. At one point Josh is in the bathroom trying to hurry me up. How he got past the lock, I dunno. Next thing I know Matt's in there too saying hi. LOL. I'm like get out!
I emerge to great my guests and to make sure everyone is mingling and having a good time. I think it was about 9pm by the time we all sat down to eat. Everyone's having a good time and feeling really good (lots of wine!).

So it's like 1:30am and Paul, Steph, Marc, Josh and I are all relaxing in my bedroom. Josh is curled up in a ball knocked out, and the rest of us are sitting there gossiping and talking about random crap.

2am comes and the dishes are staring at me. Everybody has left and Josh is still asleep. I put away a few things and bag up some trash. I've had enough...this shit can wait till morning!

It's A SUCCESS!'s official. This years Holiday Party was a hit! I've been getting rave reviews about the conversation, good wine and food. There were NO meat leftovers. I guess that's a sign you guys liked the prime rib. But damn...I wanted at least one sandwich for lunch on monday. LOL just kidding. You're all welcome anyway.

It was good having everyone together one more time before the end of the year. You all know how I love to entertain. Maybe I should make a carreer change and be more typical :-D

So what's next guys? Ski trip, complete with a cozy slope-side chalet, booze and a daily stripper review of local talent? Haha.We're gonna have to do this again soon.

Thanks to all of you who made it out to the Jerz.F. :-p