the times, like the leaves, are a changing

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


So I've been thinking lately.

I went to dinner last night with Josh, Paul, Matt and Rich. I had just gotten off of work and headed directly over to meet up with them so we could go to shop a bit, have dinner and possibly see a movie (King Kong). Fighting traffic was a bitch as usual, but moreso yesterday because it was the first day of the NYC transit strike. Anyway I get over there and have a glass of wine to start the evening. We heded to the mall and looked around a bit and then headed to the Cheesecake Factory for a bite to eat. It was here that the thought popped into my life is boring and it feels squandered.

Let me explain...

For most of my life I've been pretty much sheltered from the world in regards to life experiences that mold people. I mean dont get me wrong my childhood wasn't terrible it was just extremely safe and straight laced for the most part. I never had any of the scandal (i.e. dating woes, breakup/makeups, an "experience" buddy, fights, sneaking out of the house, etc.). This sort of bothers me because I constantly hear how my friends had these experience and more and I feel cheated sometime. I feel like I haven't truly lived.

Even now, I'm seeing someone exclusively, have a great group of friends and family, have a pretty good career, have my own place, a nice car, a bit of money to spend and guess doesn't seem to be enough. Is that normal?

I love all that I have, maybe not as much as I could but nevertheless I do.

Most people would be happy in my situatuon but I feel like something is missing. It feel superficial. Maybe it has to deal with feelings of mediocrity, not being good enough for those things or people that I so dearly crave to have. Maybe it's insecurity or then again maybe it's too much security. Maybe it's just plain jealousy and regret. But what's there to regret? The opportunities were never present for me to "wild out" and be edgy and in the moment.

I think I grew up to fast and without all the fun of doing it and I can't get that back.


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