Train Wreck

I've got to get out of this train wreck I call my life. whatever I do, it just seems to spin faster and faster out of control. It's like a recurring nightmare. It never ceases. And the worse part is that it's my life. It's not a dream, it's not a fantasy...it's my reality.

I need peace, I need solace, I need happiness.

I NEED to let go. I also need help letting go. It's not as simple as people try to make it seem. When you lose yourself and what is key to your existence you literally want to jump off a bridge and start over again. But then there's the question of the existence of reincarnation/the afterlife. So that's why you hang on. That's why you hope the next day, the next hour, the next minute will get better. And then it doesn't.

I really don't want to be given much. Just a chance.

Was I right?

Things have changed so much since I've last written anything. I feel like for the most part I've come to some very important realizations. Some for the better and some for the worse. Through it all, though, I've felt though like I've grown. I had to. I moved from what's familiar to me (my friends and home of three years; NJ) to uncharted waters...Florida and a new job. Although Florida and the new job are mutually great for me, among other things, they've had a definite effect on my personal life...my love life.

For so long I wanted a perfect life. A career that allowed me to go places and do things only some people dream of. Along with that I wanted a love that transcended all. Because let's face it...without love it's all pointless to have. You need love. The love I wanted/want would take all my worries away and make me feel whole. I almost had it twice in my life and apparently it still wasn't enough to make it all complete. There's always something still something missing. I could have just a little love and be miserable and have a lot of it and the same is true. It's not that being "in love" doesn't matter to me, it's just that it's foreign to me. It's true form eludes me. It's a concept, yet a reality...a reality that I know the concept of but can't seem to make materialize. It is one that has to be reciprocated. It is one that has to be mutually felt. It is one that has to matter above all else. Maybe I'm just not ready for it? Or is it that I haven't found what I seek?

The only conclusion I can come to is that I'm an enigma. Hard to figure out, but thought to be simple...in my own mind at least. Or am I really just broken? Am I capable of being completely Happy? I dunno. Maybe I just haven't met my "soul" mate. At any rate I think for the moment though I just need to concentrate on myself, as selfish as that may sound and figure out what I really want before involving anyone else in the tangled web of Fred.

Mediocre Castoffs

So I'm sure this has been discussed before, although maybe not in an offical posting or conversation, but let me ask it anyway. I've been noticing lately that every interacial relationship that I see has an attractivity imbalance. I seem to always see hot black guys with not so hot white guys. Why is this? Why do the more attractive black men get stuck, if you will, with the "mediocre castoffs"?All the many reasons I've been given are unacceptable and superficial.Anyone care to shed some light or share your opinion?

So Yeah

So yeah....I'm bored. With what...you can figure out for yourself. But yeah...i'm bored. Definitely in need of something to re-invigorate me, make me smile, make me happy, make me...un-bored.

I need a purpose. No more suppose this or suppose that. I need action, direction, passion, fire and desire. Something that makes me want to get up in the morning.

So yeah...I'm bored and need a purpose. I want what I want, and I want what I deserve. What that is, well that remains to be seen. Hopefully it will present itself soon. Soon I hope rather than later.

So yeah...I'm bored, need a purpose and am hopeful...for now

Procrastination

Procrastination is like Masturbation...You're only fucking yourself!

Get off your ass and live life the way is was meant to be lived; richly and full of life experiences.

Stop sweating the small stuff and have a good time doing what YOU want to do! If you don't miss your time to yourself now, you'll surely miss it when you can't have it anymore.

Toys R Us Kids

So I never got the chance to be a Toys R Us kid. My friends seem to think that I didn't need to be because all of my experiences have been more "substantial" than most any of theirs. "Quality is better than Quantity" they say. I see their point, but at the same time, doesn't everyone deserve the chance to be a toys r us kid if they want to be? And If we're talking quality...quality typically lasts doesn't it?

I'm still longing for just a chance...to be seen for who I really am and who I'm going to stay. I no longer have the choice which everyone else thinks I have.

Victims

Victims....Why does everybody always have to play the goddamned victim?

People may think I'm being harsh, but to tell you the truth, I'm just sick and fucking tired of the bullshit. It's old and monotnous and frankly I just don't give a damn anymore. I'm tired of coddling, I'm tired of giving advice that is not heeded, I'm tired of people saying they're going to do something with me when they know damned well they have no intentions of keeping up their side of the bargain. I'm sick of hearing "Oh, sorry I got busy. I have tons of stuff to do."

When are people going to realize that the world doesn't revolve around them? When are people going to finally give back what they get? When are people going to start living for themselves and not others? (maybe I should take my own advice on this question). And most importantly when will I get what everyone thinks I deserve? This goes for EVERYONE!

I've always had this storybook idea of what my life should be like. Who I would grow old with, the types of friends I'd have, the places I'd live, the kids I'd possibly have...you know, the perfect life. Well, at least somewhat perfect. We all have obstacles that stand in our way, but Jesus...is this a fucking minefield. Everytime I turn around something dumb happens that upsets the balance of life. Certain things should JUST WORK and lately things just haven't been working well.

Are relationships and friendships supposed to be this fucking hard. Why do I feel like I'm settling? Am I? Are people completely oblivious to what I see as obvious? Why can't you all just get it?

I'm not that complex. Making me happy is quite simple once I let you in the door. Just don't fuck it up!

The experiences I've had have been in a word, average or slightly below when you add them all up. And I believe that they have led to my current state of deficient self-worth and unhappiness. We all watch too much tv and think that what we see will come true for us. Maybe we're all deluding ourselves. Maybe no one is really ever truly happy. Maybe jamming the square peg into the circular hole is what we're supposed to do to compromise. If it is, someone is playing a horrible trick on us and it's not funny or fair.

My friends tell me that I have to do what's right for me, but I don't know what that is anymore.When I'm alone, I'm miserable. When I'm not, I'm slightly less miserable and in a constant "on" position. I want to be happy, but I don't know how anymore. Am I broken?

I mean look at this...Valentines Day is tomorrow/today, and I'm not even happy about it. I mean I should feel...something. Or am I just that jaded and cynical?