Mediocre Castoffs

So I'm sure this has been discussed before, although maybe not in an offical posting or conversation, but let me ask it anyway. I've been noticing lately that every interacial relationship that I see has an attractivity imbalance. I seem to always see hot black guys with not so hot white guys. Why is this? Why do the more attractive black men get stuck, if you will, with the "mediocre castoffs"?All the many reasons I've been given are unacceptable and superficial.Anyone care to shed some light or share your opinion?

So Yeah

So yeah....I'm bored. With what...you can figure out for yourself. But yeah...i'm bored. Definitely in need of something to re-invigorate me, make me smile, make me happy, make me...un-bored.

I need a purpose. No more suppose this or suppose that. I need action, direction, passion, fire and desire. Something that makes me want to get up in the morning.

So yeah...I'm bored and need a purpose. I want what I want, and I want what I deserve. What that is, well that remains to be seen. Hopefully it will present itself soon. Soon I hope rather than later.

So yeah...I'm bored, need a purpose and am hopeful...for now

Procrastination

Procrastination is like Masturbation...You're only fucking yourself!

Get off your ass and live life the way is was meant to be lived; richly and full of life experiences.

Stop sweating the small stuff and have a good time doing what YOU want to do! If you don't miss your time to yourself now, you'll surely miss it when you can't have it anymore.

Toys R Us Kids

So I never got the chance to be a Toys R Us kid. My friends seem to think that I didn't need to be because all of my experiences have been more "substantial" than most any of theirs. "Quality is better than Quantity" they say. I see their point, but at the same time, doesn't everyone deserve the chance to be a toys r us kid if they want to be? And If we're talking quality...quality typically lasts doesn't it?

I'm still longing for just a chance...to be seen for who I really am and who I'm going to stay. I no longer have the choice which everyone else thinks I have.

Victims

Victims....Why does everybody always have to play the goddamned victim?

People may think I'm being harsh, but to tell you the truth, I'm just sick and fucking tired of the bullshit. It's old and monotnous and frankly I just don't give a damn anymore. I'm tired of coddling, I'm tired of giving advice that is not heeded, I'm tired of people saying they're going to do something with me when they know damned well they have no intentions of keeping up their side of the bargain. I'm sick of hearing "Oh, sorry I got busy. I have tons of stuff to do."

When are people going to realize that the world doesn't revolve around them? When are people going to finally give back what they get? When are people going to start living for themselves and not others? (maybe I should take my own advice on this question). And most importantly when will I get what everyone thinks I deserve? This goes for EVERYONE!

I've always had this storybook idea of what my life should be like. Who I would grow old with, the types of friends I'd have, the places I'd live, the kids I'd possibly have...you know, the perfect life. Well, at least somewhat perfect. We all have obstacles that stand in our way, but Jesus...is this a fucking minefield. Everytime I turn around something dumb happens that upsets the balance of life. Certain things should JUST WORK and lately things just haven't been working well.

Are relationships and friendships supposed to be this fucking hard. Why do I feel like I'm settling? Am I? Are people completely oblivious to what I see as obvious? Why can't you all just get it?

I'm not that complex. Making me happy is quite simple once I let you in the door. Just don't fuck it up!

The experiences I've had have been in a word, average or slightly below when you add them all up. And I believe that they have led to my current state of deficient self-worth and unhappiness. We all watch too much tv and think that what we see will come true for us. Maybe we're all deluding ourselves. Maybe no one is really ever truly happy. Maybe jamming the square peg into the circular hole is what we're supposed to do to compromise. If it is, someone is playing a horrible trick on us and it's not funny or fair.

My friends tell me that I have to do what's right for me, but I don't know what that is anymore.When I'm alone, I'm miserable. When I'm not, I'm slightly less miserable and in a constant "on" position. I want to be happy, but I don't know how anymore. Am I broken?

I mean look at this...Valentines Day is tomorrow/today, and I'm not even happy about it. I mean I should feel...something. Or am I just that jaded and cynical?

Accessories

I have created another "haggish" female category who happens to have gay male friends. These women are beautiful and uncharacteristic of the typical hag.

Their lives don't revolve around trying to "turn" a gay man to be their love slave. These specimen are refered to as "Accessories". These women just happen to complement the gay man like a great outfit and are in some ways like eye candy.

This is a symbiotic relationship in that the "accessory" gains access and friendship with hot gay men and receives protection from us from unnecessary attention from idiotic straight men they want nothing to do with!

Sabotage

So it's 1:03 am in Jersey and I just got home. I've been out all day and out of contact with a lot of people who care about me. I called in sick today and took the day for myself. I needed some me time and I wanted to selfishly do anything I wanted. I dunno if I feel guilt or just have the feeling of wanting to be free without answering to anything or anyone, but I realized that today I hurt someone. It was unintentional and had no malicious agenda behind it. I simply just did not check in because I was too busy taking care of my needs and ignoring all else. I know this was partly wrong because of how this person cares and is concerned of my well being, but today I didn't want them to worry. I wanted to be carefree. I wanted them to be carefree. Selfish I know, but it's what I felt. I'm sorry for how the situation unfolded.

Sometimes I just feel like they forsake all just to make me happy, and frankly this scares me a bit because I don't think they see the danger in this. I don't need that type of sacrifice and profession of selflessness displayed for me. I get it and yes I sincerely appreciate it, but it makes me feel weird and in a position of having too much power over the relationship. I want it to be equal. I want each to feel like they are on the same page and secure in what they have and what they will achieve. Right now I sense an insecurity on both sides. For me it's feeling like I'm not living up to what I should be. The feeling of being calous and unfeeling. That's not me. And I feel like I'm not having the opportunity to express who I am and how I feel about this person. I feels like I don't get the chance to express it because they are constantly doing it enough for the both of us.

I am a man of independence with a need to have balance. Too much independence can be detrimental as well as too much interdependence. I don't know how I can put this more clearly, but I've tried. I feel like...well I don't actually have a word or phrase of what I feel but it's followed by tension and regret of how I handle certain situations. I profess communication but in some cases I just can't communicate the feeling because I have no words for it. I can't express it and I just need time to hash it out and either get over it or accept it. Lately I've done the later. I realize my patience has been wearing thin lately and I fly off the handle sometimes, and it's because I can't express the feelings that I can actually express any more clearly, and I get frustrated.

I think I'm a fairly simple guy with simple needs that comes off as complex. Sometimes I expect people to just read my mind and do what I think is right. This is wrong I realize, but what do I do to change this. It's just something that I believe in. Family, friends and mates should just be intuitive an in sync with their loved ones feelings and body language. It shouldn't be a struggle to understand and just be happy.

Life is about compromise and compatibility. If we don't understand and practice both...will we ever really be happy?